I Can’t Shake This Feeling

  • September

    AFTER WRITING ABOUT “The Waiting Game” and researching how common miscarriages actually are, it’s got me hypersensitive.

    Of course, when you are early on in your pregnancy you are excited but you also don’t want to get your hopes too high because chances of a miscarriage are possible… especially in your first trimester.

    This is why so many people “hide” their big news until the pregnancy is well underway and things seem safe.

    But this week, I got together with a friend with 3 kids and a forth right around the corner.

    We were chit chatting about her pregnancies and if she was planning on having more or stopping at 4. Then she tells me that her first pregnancy was a miscarriage.

    This is very common, as I’ve mentioned, but it was just past her 1st trimester and it happened when she was by herself.

    She mentioned that the pain was excruciating, different and worse than giving birth. She said it was like her ovaries were being twisted like a towel as the fetus was being expelled from her uterus.

    What??? Ughhhh!! That’s horrible!

    And she had to endure this pain and loss by herself.

    As tough as it is for a parent to lose a baby, the mother carrying the baby definitely has a special bond. She is supporting her fetus, protecting it, nourishing it and taking care of her body so it can be a safe vessel for her baby.

    Ever since hearing this story I have this icky feeling inside.

    I imagine this twisting pain and fear that my body will expel the precious poppy seed that is sprouting within me.

    Jon and I haven’t told anyone… and I wonder when we will?

    Although many people can speculate because I am launching the MommyCare site and asking an insane amount of questions in the MummyCare Community, we haven’t made it official.

    I typically say that “it’s too early to know”. Or “we’ll just have to wait and see”. But the truth is, it would be devastating to have to tell excited friends and family about a miscarriage, even if it is common.

    So we wait. We wait to make sure all is healthy, viable and safe.

    We wait and bottle up our excitement and try to calm down any irrational doubt.

    I breath, take care of my body and try to focus on the work that I love doing.

    I’m also not trying to put too much pressure on myself. Things will happen when they do. We only get to experience this moment once. And from the sounds of it, the excitement of trying to get pregnant can be better than actually dealing with the crying, screaming baby.

    “But it’s all worth it!”


    Haha… I hear this all the time right after someone tells me a horrible story about sleep regression, diaper incidences, kids fighting, etc, etc. Of course you aren’t going to say negative things about birthing your child into the world.

    Of course you are grateful to have this ball of energy (and attitude) you call your daughter or son. Because, when you have those moments of love, stillness, happiness, laughter, pure joy, accomplishment, and self-satisfaction…. ahhhh… all the stress, worry, doubt, fatigue, and tears, yup, they are all worth it!

    I can’t wait for this ridiculous journey! Let’s get it started!

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